no amt of es krim can make me happy now... used to eat ice-cream whenever I'm feeling low but this time rd, it no longer work.. how to feel happy when what I'm concerned about is lost? but happy to meet up with yve & yan.. its been a long time since I met them so there's a need for some catching up.. well.. same qns was asked and everytime I can only try to divert the qns.. heez.. I promise I'll try harder yay.. tsk tsk..

went to the jap rest tt I went with xm & ej.. ate the same food coz couldnt think of anything else to eat.. initially wanted to meet jas but DOTZ.. she remembered the wrong date of her dad's appointment.. but hopefully can meet her somehow thou now with my schedule, its really hard but I'll think of some way.. we went eski bar after tt, its quite cool.. the temperature was quite cold but I love being cold than hot.. we drank volka plus I ordered long island tea.. it doesnt if the food is nice or the drink was well made, most importantly is I can to meet my friends.. ever since poly ends, our gathering seem to be lesser & lesser or sld I say it starts from the day when I chose FMS as my elective, didnt get the chance to spend my last sem with them in sch.. miss out all the things tt happen to them in sch.. sad!!

feeling sleepy.. I try to bring the person tt u all wish to see before my sch life ends yay... I'll try.. heez...

Extremely sad today.. thou told myself never to feel down again but feeling low to the bottom now, heart sunk with the mail.. didnt succeed in my hostel application so there's more staying here anymore.. I should have been more determined when coming to making decisions.. as much as I regretted it now, there's nothing I can do except praying to god to have the last chance at the waiting list.. already expected the outcome in advance but deep inside, still hoping for a chance to succeed no matter how far is it.. what should I do now? I wonder..

feeling stress these days with exams approaching soon and things seem to be going the opposite direction, far from what I hope to be.. a lot of things to be done but I have no idea where to start.. prob taking lang is a mistake, its taking up a lot of my time.. its interesting, no doubt but its a lot of workload which is making me very tired.. or a mistake right from the start to take this route?? mistakes done, I can't amend it so have to live with it.. if ever I have to scrafice the list of things u said, I would do it.. but its all too late now..

the impact of fin econs on me still lingers, wonder if I would make it to the end.. I need to buck up.. I would go for honours provided my results hit the pre-reqisite.. if not, I would have to save money for my masters.. very tired after staying up till 4am doing tpt proj.. catch a short wink wink before I meet yve & yan..

Days are passing so fast.. exams approaching soon yet again.. the end of school life seem to coming soon too.. haiz.. wanting to get out of sch fast yet now cant bear to leave here.. wondering what my life would be like after I'm out of here, where will I be working? what will I be in future? all in all.. what would my life be? feeling lost at times but most importantly, I must enjoy the last of my uni life..

went running again tonight, its nice running in the night, enjoying the small breeze & along the way, watching people playing squash, soccer & running on the tracks.. thou I didnt cover the whole school but I get to see at least a part of the school.. must start building up my body for the battle ahead & not be feeling unwell so easily..

hopefully, will get to meet all my friends before I head up er mei shan to hibernate.. It will be another 1 month of non-stop mugging.. but will be rushing thru proj these few days, need to buck up now!!! Yilin.. Aish!! Aja! Aja! Fighting!!

"Lost love is still love. It takes a different form, that's all. You can't see their smile or bring them food or tousle their hair or move them around in a dance floor. But those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes your partner. You nuture it. You hold it. You dance with it. Life has to end, love doesn't.."

found the above to be meaningful.. lost and sadness.. that might be what everyone feels when something is lost or someone dear leaves.. so do I.. feeling down when things or people I care most are leaving me.. Always hoping for every 'now' to be eternity and never lost, grabbing tight to every 'now'.. that seems difficult.. People change.. once having it doesnt mean its yours forever.. everyday is different with a different start.. but no matter where one is now, they once cross my life.. people whom I met, even a passing guest nonetheless made impact in my life, be it directly or indirectly.. hoping to lose no more, holding everyone close to me.. even if they decide to leave, they left memories for me.. it will be my partner, nuturing & holding it.. our story ends but what we once share doesn't..

From this min.. I must be happy always no matter what obstacles I face.. cry no more & be strong (which might be difficult, too emotional being.. but I'll try), never to let anything leave me unhappy & never to let the past wished to be forgotten to continue to haunt me..

Although I was feeling so down y'day bcoz of fin. but feeling so much better when finally the last paper result is out.. when I saw my fin. results on Mon, was feeling so sad that I called mummy to tell her I failed by 0.5 marks but now feeling so guilty for making mummy worried for me, caused her to suffer from isommia.. she's worried that I'll take it very hard.. never in my sch life have I failed any papers, prob except for sec sch days when my chemistry is a disaster.. always remz kor kor says chem-is-try but no matter how hard I try, I failed by marginally.. but I guess what he says is also true, working hard after the 'blow', saw rainbow after the rain.. was so surprised to see A1 for science in 'O' level..

was also worried for metrics but luckily it turn out fine.. didnt fare fantastically well but all I hope for is a pass & I did it.. luckily there was part B to save me, my MCQ is a disaster!! in my whole life of school days, never have I fared so badly for MCQs.. if not for short ans qns, I guess depending on MCQs, my grades would be so bad... have to really buck up for fin econs, need to maintain my cap..

had tpt lect make-up but its not really lect but rather speakers here to share with us the working industry, the operation of the tpt industry.. its does seem interesting but all the terms are so foreign to me.. I still love finance no matter, juz love to see $$ sign.. at times, wondering if I have made the right decision or the alternative would have been better.. but there's no turning back, I can only look ahead.. the speaker from I forgotten where was really nice & I enjoyed his prsn.. he is so gd with the Q&A session.. haa.. the next speaker is from Japan.. his accent is very strong but he's so cute.. in every slides, whenever a place is mentioned, he will tell us what food is nice in that place & he also kept mentioning its beer time after the prsn & he still play sumo.. reminds me of my cousin-in-law who's japanese.. he loves beer too but dont think he play sumo.. hope dyskae & ayskae wont grew up to love beer so much.. bad for health yay..

Its block supper tonight by us.. level 2 guys & level 3 gals.. we made fish & chips with soup, jelly & drinks.. I find it all very nice.. all the food was finished really fast.. haa.. had fun preparing food with mingjie, sijie, su & tongwei.. I guess these are the memories that I'll take away with me when I leave the hall.. wonder if I would be able to get hall stay this sem which I doubt so.. but it was really nice knowing them all & of course my neighbours are the best..

its time to write up on metrics.. its my turn to write out the assignments.. & its tidur time after tt... got to study hard for BI which is getting difficult as it gets to the back... wondering if I sld go for macro class tml morning.. I'm so scared that liu jia will call me up to the board.. no matter which corner I hide, trying to make myself invisible, he will call me up to the board.. wonder why he's so fond of calling me up to the board.. guess he could sense that I'm unsure with my tut & wanted to help me.. but it only made me resist gg there.. dont think i'll have the time to do the tut but I'll try my best..

As I was walking down to meet the rest for lunch.. a sudden thought cross my mind.. prob I should have followed what I wanna do, things might have turn out another way.. if only I was more determined.. should have taken the gamble just as what mummy wants.. if only one can have the best of both worlds.. but here I am, the place hope to be...

there's a lot of things to be done & time running out, hope to be able to squeeze time out for everything.. feeling so tired and feeding myself with anything that can make me awake.. got back fin results, left me demoralised.. I tried but prob not hard enough.. luck seem to be running out.. I guess there's a time when luck are fully utilised..

went movie with xm.. watched 'music & lyrics'.. its a very nice show.. love the way Hugh Grant shake his butt.. haa.. & all songs sung in the movie.. its lovely.. the songs they composed together.. before watching movie, we went to eat sushi.. its the first time I have to stuff food so fast as we dont have a lot of time to eat.. In the end, feel so bloated & sleepy in the movie.. but the movie is so nice, it kept me awake..

must tidur early.. have to do metrics tut tml morning plus have make up tpt lect.. & also its inter-level supper tml, have to head back early to help prepare the food.. there's so many things to do.. god, please give me more time.. god.. please also bless me with intelligence..

feeling very tired and trying hard to make myself awake for the whole day, attention span seems to be getting shorter.. i guess repeating the word 'tired' is part of my life now.. been busy with assignments, proj, tests & more coming up, a never ending process.. but prob I will miss it in the later part of the years.. didnt want it to end so fast but hoping it will all end soon.. contradicting at times.. wonder how long my determination will last.. wanted to continue honours, seriously I do very much, but I guess I have to be realistic.. its no longer juz abt saying 'yes, I wanna do it' but a lot of factors need to be considered.. prob I'll do a consultation.. Haiz.. its time to plan my timetable for the coming exams soon...

last sat, we went ECP with the MWH residents.. it was nice to bring them out to breath some fresh air & walk ard rather than staying in the home all days.. the weather was nice & after tt we went dinner together as a grp as it was the last outing for the sem.. time flies, its the last session so fast..

I never realised that when I talk, my last word is prolonged.. do I really talk like this?? I talk like a kid? everytime I go for haircut, the stylist will always says I talk like a baby, do I? mummy says the same thing too.. I guess I have to change this habit but its also hard to change this habit as its been in me since the day I was born..

cant wait for the sch term to end.. no matter we are gg to cambodia, guangzhou or viet.. I wanna go for holidays.. longing for this day!! I must buck up!! study harder.. its the final sem.. as hard as it is, I have to hang on... yilin.. jia you! jia you!!

one more day to go & its friday!!! will be gg back to the jap rest to eat again.. once I found smthg nice, I love to share with others & bring my friends along to try.. bao & nancy will def be among them.. we love eating or is it just only me?? haa..

experiencing a bad headache since noon.. Its so bad that its persisting till now & my sleepy mode is still here to stay.. God, how do I make myself awake & headache-free? feeling so xin ku now, wanna sleep but seeing the macro textbook lying there make me so guilty if I dont read it.. this sem isnt a good one for me, have not been faring well for all my econs mod & its my major.. guess I slack too much this sem.. I need encouragement, support & determination!! I need to buck up badly!! god, please save me!!

tonight is the inter-level block supper by level 5 & 6.. its frutti night!! Its yummy, fruits with chocolate!! Haa.. wanted so much to eat it when I see it in resturant, thou its simple but nice.. I like the potatoes salad too, its nice.. it made me missed egg mayo sandwich.. reminds me of the time when xm, alvin & I would take turns to make breakfast for each other for wed lect.. I love to prepare egg mago but now its hard to prepare it with me here.. missed the times then.. will fond memories be here to stay?? or will they fade as time grows?? will the characters in the story changed & someday, we'll be passing guest?? I hope that day never comes..

May all stories never be memories, never a full stop.. with commas continuing the story.. keeping everyday treasured..

trying very hard to be the old hardworking gal but seem to no avail.. whenever the book is placed in front of me, none of the words sink in.. I really have to buck up but i'm forever feeling sleepy, I just never have enough of sleep.. went home this weekend & mummy says its a long time since she last saw me.. Haa.. its been 17 days since I last went home.. in the end, mummy forced me to eat lots of food.. actually its the CNY goodies which is still piling high but I missed them nonetheless.. ate jap food with xm & ej on sat after mwh activity.. its very very nice, yummy.. esp the dessert.. I wanna go back there to eat again!!

saya mau tidur.. may god bless me with good luck..

I finally finished all the mid term test but maybe almost there.. still have one more BI test which I guess is listening plus oral.. OMG... all I go was 'HUH??' every lesson when we have listening.. I only manage to catch the first sentence which is usually the greeting.. haa.. but I have to conquer it.. expecting to get my papers back next wk along with the grades of metrics & fin.. when na na says its over, I feel "its really over!!!" as in this paper is so hard, I wonder what the *&!@ is it saying... in the end, I guess I 'tikum' most of them.. my skill at it hasnt been always good, there's always a probability of failing to guess the correct one, to be exact, its only a 0.25 chance I'll be right.. trying to use econs in my life but I rather lead a non-stressful life since trying hard to do smthg I suck at is an agony.. it has never been gd to me ever since I declared single major.. I can only hang on with whatever I see ard me..

feeling so sleepy & tired.. there's blood veins appearing in my eyes now, all bcoz of sleeping at 5am almost everyday this wk.. I tried to sleep at 3.30am every night but I only end up turning & tossing.. my eyes are so red with no life at all.. I'm gg to sleep until I wake up just in time for nvac tml.. i'll also TRY to get up early to get bf then sleep again.. was so tired these days tt I couldnt wake up to get any.. my only survival makanan is 4 biscuits.. as I type, my mind is in a daze but I wanna jot down the happy things in BI proj prsn..

Its our prsn day!!! Its very entertaining.. our item is tujuh on the list.. the first singing group is so funny & cute.. never have I seen such a big packet of salt, so big a sweet & chilli.. Haa... kulintang is also very nice... no matter its the base, accompanying or the melody, its all bagus sekali.. haa.. the masak group also prepared very nice makanan for us.. thumbs up for them.. & of course our angklung group.. we did well today.. but I was really super tired...

Cant think properly now.. I shall finish watching 'engine' then I'll hit the bed.. BED!!! finally I can lie on it for a good 8 hrs.. after nvac, I go home sleep again.. need to recoup it back before final exams come.. a walking zombie in the hall is not a nice thing yay.. god, please bless me with a good night sleep...

Had my metrics paper today.. its a disaster!!! didnt have any confidence & plus heard from sarah its a super difficult paper made my moral fall to the bottom.. made so many mistakes, I cant imagine how many marks will I get, wondering if I'll pass... xiao mau.. why didnt u set a more straightforward paper?? its fin paper tml, another killer..

its angklung lesson today.. its getting more & more fun, tml will be our proj prsn day where everyone will gather & present what we have learn in the different activities.. cant wait to taste the food prepared by my sch mates.. yummy!!! haa.. will be able to have fun finally..

'pon ten' 2day's tpt lect in the hope to study for fin tml.. but I'll feeling sleepy now.. hope i'll be able to tahan until 3am.. 'REN'!!! after 4pm, everything will be better.. thou still have 2 more proj to do & 1 more BI test, at least tpt proj, still have xm with me.. tpt seem hard, hope I wont end up being a burden to xm coz having difficulties sinking in the concepts..

its mandi time.. god, please bless me for tml paper!! na na.. hope u wont make me demoralised..

super super tired today.. red bull becomes my form of survival.. rushing to finish my econs readings.. there's so much to do!! I'm gg crazy memorising all the formulas.. when will I ever finish memorising?? so tired trying to remember all the formulas by hard.. 2 more papers to go before sleeping marathon.. i'm pratically a walking zombie with no sign of liveliness.. I need sleep, lotsa of it.. there's 4 mid term this sem & its the worst sem I ever had.. missed last night IHG closing.. sad.. & I'm missing out inter-block supper tonight.. sad*2, missing out all the fun but will feel a sense of guilt if I were to go.. putting studies at the expense of any other things.. I guess I'm just so afraid tt I'll let mummy down thou she's xin teng tt I'm so stress with studies.. instead of stressing me on studies, she's nagging at me to sleep more.. ever since I'm here, I'm spared the nagging... haa.. i wanna go for block supper!!!! its sure to be fun.. but I guess studying will make myself feel better.. I'll def go for the inter-level supper next 2 wks..

today cried so much, read my friend's blog & tears just keep rolling down uncontrollably.. so xin teng but I cant do much.. after which I watched tv, cried again coz of a parting scene.. OMG.. my tears are like running tap.. even reading fiction books can make me cry.. so dont ever let me see unhappy events yay.. I'll cry non-stop.. & dont ever quarrel with me (which is quite impossible to happen, coz so far, dont even remz have I ever engage in an argument with my friends prob except for my brother.. haa.. just like ginnette once said, I can nv pick up a quarrel.. once she tried to quarrel with me & I lost.. ya.. it seem zhi zang but it was the little memories which make sec sch days fun) coz I'll keep blaming myself.. also tried quarreling with yan but failed in my mission..

well... gg back to my notes again.. xiao mau & na na... pls dont set a hard paper yay.. dont have any confidence in any but may god bless me with good memory & intelligence.. god.. please bless me... say mau pergi berlaja sekarang.. sampai bertermu...

Losing way...

Tears just roll down whenever memories are recalled, the past seem to be reminding whats never to repeat & whats gone is gone.. the day when everything seem to change or collapse all seem like yesterday.. its never forgotten.. fear grip me whenever its recalled or whats not being able to do are regrets.. there's always a never ending cycle of reminders.. been reminding myself I'm not unfortunate compared to what I have seen from the other side of the world but prob being too emotional always bring sadness..

Your every single wish is what I want to fulfill, coz I want you to be happy, to realise what you always hope for.. I know the day when the letter came, you are so happy & so are the others.. trying my best but the 'wish' seems just too heavy.. the past just flashed back whenever feeling breathless.. I wonder how do I forget it.. prob others would laugh it off, but its always a wound that never heals.. having reasons for doing everything the way that its done, prob never will you understand.. even in dreams, I dreamt of the whole event.. the dream just seem so real.. so it must never happen again.. Its no longer just about walking out of the situation but about walking out of the past.. will I be able to do it? prob that day will only come when all ends..

Dreams, goal, aim all dashed with the one word, 'no'.. whats left is only disappointment.. its smthg wanted to realise since young.. prob no one would ever understand what it meant to me to fulfill that dream, it might hav been meaningless to others but definitely meant a lot to me.. If departing can be a reality, life would have been very different from now.. prob nothing would have happen & all would be just nothing..

Tired...

Its been a week of mugging for tests & more tests.. rec'd our marks for macro & I only got 14/26!! Thats really a bad start. It just seem like 2 sems ago where I also got 11/20. Its still mugging away for another 2 papers, both are killer mod to me.. OMG.. there are so many formulas to memorise, my head is spinning now!!

Friday was CNY formal dinner.. Its sweet of Sarah to bring me clothes so tt I can be a pretty gal @ the dinner.. Haa.. but I guess I didnt have the prior quality so didnt really look pretty.. Haa.. but anyway, the dinner was fun, had fun lao yu sheng & eating steamboat with my block mates.. it was nice to see everyone wearing nice clothes.. but I saw one who wore a suit.. ( '_' ").. its not even a resturant but our very own hall canteen!! thou the prizes we won, I wonder where it gone to but seeing everyone involved in the games was so fun.. btw.. the host (male) is so cute!! he's really humourous.. only know his name & from the same block, didnt know him by his person.. but I must say he's cool.. but of course he's not the only one.. Haa... Its the 1st event in hall which involve everyone & I get to see people from other blocks & also my very own acers!! Overall, it was really fun..

my comp failed on me after I came back on Fri... & went I go to the comp center to send for service.. but the comp was perfectly fine!! Damn!! opps!! wasted my time & I missed NB class.. in the end only went for LO & yoga.. the yoga instructor was erm..... a bit sissy??? haa.. but he's really nice.. has to split my leg 2day!! OMG, i'm stiff like hell.. after which I rushed to MWH.. played games with the residents.. hmm... the game was fishing.. Haa... ya.. tts right, FISHING!! wonder how the residents can 'fish' for the whole hour.. but seeing them having fun makes me happy..

left with 1 more chap of metrics & many many chaps of fin... so gtg tidur now.. or else, its a concussion day again.. sampai bertemu... mari...